Witch Trials and iPhones
To the Editor (or Whichever Shadowy Figure Oversees This Fine Publication)
It has recently come to my attention — though how or why remains a mystery akin to socks vanishing in the wash — that the Berwick Witch Trials of 1590 have not been discussed nearly enough in these pages. Surely, the trial of Agnes Sampson and her alleged storm-raising to sink the King’s fleet deserves more recognition in this modern era of weather apps and maritime insurance. One wonders: did they simply need better Wi-Fi to track the storm, or perhaps a sturdier iPhone charger to power their sorcery?
Speaking of chargers, I find myself in desperate need of one. My current cord has more frays than my understanding of 16th-Century witchcraft, and I suspect it has been hexed by an unseen hand. Much like King James VI, I, too, am suspicious of inexplicable phenomena — such as why all my chargers stop working three days after purchase. Could this be the work of a cabal of tech-savvy witches? Or is it simply the planned obsolescence we’ve come to accept as the true dark magic of our age?
What baffles me most is how we’ve progressed from dunking women in rivers to dunking our phones into rice, yet we still can’t keep either one entirely dry. If only we could summon the ghosts of the Berwick witches to settle these matters: "Agnes, can you hex me up a 2-meter charging cable that doesn’t cost more than a decent broomstick?"
While the Berwick Witch Trials are a grim chapter in history, they remind us that humans have always sought explanations for their misfortunes — be it storms, broken phone chargers, or why the local shop only stocks off-brand cables. Let us not repeat the mistakes of the past but instead embrace a future where both witches and technology are treated with the reverence they deserve.
Yours,
Max K
(A Bewildered Historian and Charger-Hunter Extraordinaire)