Tik Tok and Winter Flies
To the Editor,
I write to you today in a state of perplexity, caught between the swirling winds of geopolitics and the maddening buzz of unexpected household invaders. On the one hand, the news that the US has imposed a TikTok ban has left me pondering the future of viral dance challenges. On the other, my home seems to have become an unseasonal haven for flies — flies! — despite the fact that it’s midwinter and my windows haven’t been opened since October.
Let us first address TikTok. I gather the US government has decided that a nation of teenagers perfecting synchronised lip-syncing poses some sort of existential threat. While I am no expert in espionage, I find it hard to believe that a video of someone doing the Macarena while dressed as a banana contains state secrets. Then again, I suppose the world has seen stranger things — like that time my aunt accidentally live-streamed her knitting session and went viral in Norway.
And then there are the flies. How is it possible, in this season of frosts and frozen puddles, that these winged pests are flourishing? I’ve swatted at least four today alone, one of which had the audacity to land on my cup of tea. Are they mutants? Escapees from some underground fly utopia? Or, and here’s a thought that sent shivers down my spine, could these flies be somehow connected to the TikTok ban?
Consider this: what if the ban has angered some unseen force, sending an army of vengeful flies to punish us? Or perhaps these are TikTok flies, buzzing about in protest, desperate to film one last viral video before their platform is lost forever. I imagine them performing tiny dances on my windowsill, their moves tragically unappreciated because I refuse to download the app (something about "data privacy," though honestly, I just don’t understand how hashtags work).
Or could it be that the flies, much like TikTok itself, are simply misunderstood? Perhaps they’re not pests but innovators, bringing a much-needed buzz to these otherwise quiet winter days. If so, I’d like to propose a compromise: let the US keep its TikTok ban, but only if it agrees to send over some fly-repellent technology in return. Surely that’s a fair trade?
For now, I remain utterly baffled by both the ban and the bugs. If anyone in Salford has a foolproof method for dealing with winter flies — or can explain how a social media app became a geopolitical lightning rod — I would be most grateful.
Yours, surrounded by buzzing confusion,
Eustace Flyworthy
(Local swatter, reluctant tech observer)