Rising Utility Bills Despair
To the Editor,
I write to you regarding the perplexing matter of rising utility bills, a topic that has somehow managed to burn through my wallet faster than my boiler burns through gas, which is to say, both at an alarming and entirely predictable rate.
Some claim this is due to global energy markets, geopolitics, and something about supply chains. But I suspect the true culprit might be my kettle, which I caught humming suspiciously the other day. Could it be siphoning funds directly from my bank account as it boils? Or is this a broader conspiracy involving my radiators, who always seem far too smug when I walk by?
And what of the energy companies? They assure us they are as baffled as we are, even as their profits inexplicably soar. Perhaps they are victims too, trapped in some Kafkaesque spiral where success feels like failure, and failure looks like success. Or perhaps they’re just really good at Monopoly — though I’ve never known anyone to buy “Water Works” and “Electric Company* without being up to something.
I’ve taken drastic measures to combat this crisis. I now live in the dark, wearing four jumpers and a hat indoors. My cat, who once basked luxuriously by the heater, now stares at me with a look that says, “Was this really necessary?” I cannot say for sure, but it feels both heroic and utterly futile.
In the end, perhaps these rising bills are a reminder. A reminder of what, I’m not entirely sure. Resilience? The power of community? The inevitable heat death of the universe, which, thankfully, requires no direct debit?
Yours in bafflement and woolly socks,
A Confounded Consumer