Musk and Eno
To the Editor,
I write to you in a state of profound disorientation, caught between the titanic ambitions of Elon Musk and the petty betrayals of my Bluetooth speaker. One moment, I am reading headlines suggesting that Mr. Musk — tech mogul, aspiring Martian overlord, and possibly part-cyborg — wants to take over the world. The next, I am lying in bed, desperately trying to play some Brian Eno to soothe my existential dread, only to discover my Bluetooth speaker has chosen that exact moment to run out of charge.
Let us begin with Musk. What, precisely, does "taking over the world" entail? Does it involve global Wi-Fi domination via a fleet of orbiting Starlink satellites? Or perhaps he plans to terraform Earth into a giant Tesla showroom, with charging points replacing every lamppost? Either way, I suspect his strategy is more elaborate than my own attempts at global domination, which involved winning at Monopoly twice in 2018.
And then there’s the speaker. Ah, my untrustworthy electronic companion. I charged it — or at least I thought I had — but when I pressed play, it emitted one mournful beep and died in my hands, leaving me in utter silence. No soothing tones of Eno, no ambient lullabies to ease my Musk-induced anxiety. Just the hollow stillness of a darkened bedroom and the faint hum of the fridge in the distance.
Naturally, I can’t help but wonder if these two events are connected. Is my speaker’s mutiny part of a grander Musk conspiracy? Perhaps he has devised a cunning plan to eliminate all non-Tesla-compatible devices, forcing us to subscribe to some future Elon-controlled soundscape where every playlist begins with a triumphant rendition of the Tesla jingle.
Or maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Perhaps the real lesson here is that, in a world teetering on the brink of being owned by Elon Musk, I should be grateful for moments of enforced silence. After all, Brian Eno himself might argue that the absence of sound is as important as the sound itself, though I doubt even he would advocate for his fans being betrayed by low battery warnings at the worst possible moment.
So, as I lie here in the quiet, contemplating a future where Elon Musk owns both the planet and my speaker, I leave you with this question: if we can send rockets to space and build cars that drive themselves, why can’t we create a Bluetooth speaker that has the decency to charge itself?
Yours, lost in silence and mild paranoia,
Imogen Driftwood
(Part-time ambient music fan, full-time Elon skeptic)