Letters to the Editor

Mandelson and Broadband Woes

To the Editor,

It is with a heady cocktail of astonishment and mild despair that I pen this correspondence, for the times, as ever, are proving themselves to be nothing short of completely ridiculous. On one hand, we are told that Peter Mandelson—yes, that Peter Mandelson, of intrigue, guile, and a mysterious fondness for guacamole fame - is set to be crowned (or should I say "sent forth") as the UK’s new Ambassador to the United States. On the other, I am currently locked in a bureaucratic slapstick routine with my broadband provider, who appear to believe that my monthly bill should include charges for services so intermittent they may as well be powered by semaphore.

While I struggle to understand how a man once described as the Prince of Darkness has suddenly been cast as our emissary of diplomacy, I must also question how a company that claims to offer “superfast” internet has mastered the ancient art of delivering superfaff. I spent three hours on hold yesterday, only to be told by a cheerful automated voice that “unusually high call volumes” were preventing anyone human from speaking to me. Is this a billing issue or an existential one? I cannot tell anymore.

But back to Lord Mandelson. One wonders how his, shall we say, unique talents will translate to Washington. Will his negotiating style involve the same enigmatic pauses and Cheshire Cat - like smiles that baffled the Commons? And will the Americans notice if, halfway through a crucial trade deal, he slips out to inspect a Tuscan villa? Perhaps they won’t mind, provided his Wi-Fi connection is more reliable than mine — which is admittedly not a high bar.

And yet, I cannot shake the idea that the two issues — Mandelson’s ambassadorship and my broadband woes — are inextricably linked. Both seem to hinge on the inscrutable logic of modern life. Who decided these things? Who approved Mandelson? Who decided that my broadband package should cost £60 a month for the privilege of buffering through a 30-second cat video? Are they the same shadowy committee?

I demand answers, though I suspect I will get none. Much like my attempt to stream last night’s episode of University Challenge, clarity remains forever tantalisingly out of reach.

Yours in befuddlement,
Penelope Widdershins (Occasionally Connected and Frequently Confused)