Coronation, Energy Crisis and Christmas

22 Nov, 2024

To the Editor

I write today with a heart heavy with concern, a mind light with bewilderment, and a wallet that appears to have vanished entirely. The obscene cost of the Coronation of King Charles, the relentless rise in energy bills, and the tantalising whispers of EastEnders’ Christmas plot have collided in my thoughts, forming a swirling vortex of confusion and misplaced priorities.

First, the Coronation. What a spectacle! What a price tag! What a bargain for those of us who enjoy gold-plated pomp while rationing beans on toast. I do not begrudge His Majesty the finer things in life— diamond-encrusted thrones and ceremonial teaspoons are surely necessities of state —but I must ask: couldn’t we have opted for something more budget-friendly?

Perhaps a BYO-Crown affair at the local pub, with paper bunting and Charles pulling his own pint? Or better yet, a Zoom Coronation — cheap, efficient, and with the added bonus of the Archbishop accidentally muting himself.

Meanwhile, energy bills continue their meteoric rise, soaring higher than the royal sceptre on Coronation Day. I find myself wondering if we, the common folk, might borrow a page from EastEnders’ Christmas handbook and stage a dramatic twist: “Local Man Powers Entire House Using Single Candle, Shocking Neighbours.” It’s either that or I’ll be heating my home by sitting dangerously close to the TV during the Queen Vic’s annual holiday bust-up.

Speaking of which, the EastEnders Christmas plot has, as always, been shrouded in mystery. Will Phil Mitchell finally discover that he’s his own second cousin twice removed? Or will a surprise Coronation Street crossover send the residents of Walford scrambling to pay their energy bills with Weatherfield’s famously dodgy scratch cards? The possibilities are as endless as they are nonsensical, much like my monthly utility statement.

I must ask: is there a connection between these disparate concerns? Is the rising cost of everything secretly funding an EastEnders Christmas episode so extravagant it includes the entire cast reenacting the Coronation? Or is King Charles quietly stockpiling energy to light up the throne room for his big moment? Whatever the answer, one thing is clear: the plot twists of British life rival anything Walford could dream up.

Yours in fiscal frustration and festive anticipation,

A Confused but Committed Viewer of Both Royalty and Soap Operas