Climate Change and Chocolate
Dear Editor,
I write today not merely as a concerned citizen, but as an accidental soothsayer of calamity. It appears 2024 has achieved what I can only describe as a dual-layered apocalypse: officially the hottest year since records began and —though perhaps not unrelated — I ate too many chocolates last night.
Now, you may wonder how these two events are connected, and I assure you, I do too. One moment, I was comfortably nibbling on a Kit Kat, the next, the world was ablaze with record temperatures and existential dread. Coincidence? Or proof that my personal consumption habits have cosmically entangled themselves with the Earth’s thermostat? I can’t say for certain, but the melting of my chocolate truffle mid-bite felt eerily metaphorical.
But the real question is: where do we place the blame? Is it on climate change, deforestation, or my third helping of hazelnut ganache? Surely, as a society, we must investigate this. Perhaps we should limit CO₂ emissions and my access to confectionery. Perhaps the UN should convene an emergency summit to discuss the impacts of my sweet tooth on the polar ice caps.
Some will argue that these two phenomena — the world’s temperature and my dessert choices—are entirely unrelated. To them, I say: chaos is the only truth, and causality is but a suggestion. As the wise Discordian Pope once proclaimed, "There is no such thing as a weird coincidence, only an opportunity to laugh in the face of order."
So, as we grapple with the fiery inferno of 2024, let us also reflect on the slippery slope of overindulgence. Let’s plant more trees, eat fewer chocolates, and embrace the absurdity of existence. And please, if you find my missing caramel cluster, return it promptly.
Yours in confusion and caloric repentance,
A. Choco Inferno (Self-Appointed Keeper of the Sacred Praline)