Cadbury and Crap Christmas Presents
To the Editor,
I write to you in a state of festive bewilderment and mild existential despair, prompted by two deeply troubling events that have shaken me to my very core. First, the shocking revelation that Cadbury, the sacred chocolatier of the people, has been unceremoniously ousted from the Royal warrant list after a 170-year reign. Second, the catastrophic arrival of what can only be described as the most disappointing early Christmas present of my life.
Let us first address the Cadbury debacle. The removal of their Royal warrant feels like an act of treachery against the very foundations of British civilisation. What has Cadbury done to deserve this? Were the courtiers offended by a misshapen Creme Egg? Did a Dairy Milk bar fail to uphold the required standards of regal smoothness? Or was it, as I suspect, some conspiracy involving a rival confectioner with suspiciously shiny wrappers? One can only speculate, but I fear the King’s corgis are now being forced to snack on lesser chocolate, and this is a tragedy too vast to comprehend.
Now to my own personal crisis. Imagine my excitement upon receiving a beautifully wrapped early Christmas present from my Aunt Hilda — her gifts are usually the stuff of legends. Yet, upon unwrapping it, I was greeted by a Christmas-themed jigsaw puzzle of a train station car park. Not even a picturesque snow-dusted car park, mind you — just a collection of grey slabs, dull skies, and a single lonely bollard. Who thought this was an appropriate subject for festive joy? If this was intended to bring seasonal cheer, it has instead brought me to the brink of yuletide despair.
I can’t help but feel there is a connection between these two calamities. Could Cadbury’s fall from grace have set off a chain reaction in the universe, culminating in the existence of such a jigsaw puzzle? Or is this simply the natural result of living in a world where tradition crumbles, and chocolate loses its crown? Either way, the timing is suspicious, and I refuse to rule out foul play by the Swiss chocolate cartel.
In conclusion, I propose a petition to reinstate Cadbury’s Royal warrant immediately, for the sake of the nation’s morale. As for the jigsaw puzzle, I intend to gift it to my least favourite cousin in the spirit of Christmas justice. Let this letter serve as a cautionary tale: when chocolate falls from grace, disappointment follows swiftly behind.
Yours, confused and slightly bitter,
Amaranth Truffle-Crumble
(Fervent Cadbury loyalist and reluctant puzzle assembler)