Boxing and Buses
To the Editor,
I find myself in a state of profound bemusement after this week’s events, a kind of mental footwork shuffle, if you will, between the grand theatre of global pugilism and the small but no less bewildering drama of our village bus timetable. Both, I fear, leave one dazed and questioning the meaning of it all, much like Tyson Fury must have felt after those scorecards were read.
First, let us address the boxing match of the centur - that-wasn’t: Oleksandr Usyk versus Tyson Fury in Saudi Arabia. Now, I admit I only caught the highlights in the pub because Bob had commandeered the remote for his darts marathon. Nevertheless, even through the haze of lukewarm lager and muffled commentary, it was clear something peculiar was afoot. Usyk retained his titles on a points decision, but can anyone truly explain how Fury’s jab became invisible to the judges? Did they, perhaps, mistake his uppercuts for enthusiastic semaphore? And was it just me, or did the ring look suspiciously like the car park of the Dog & Duck?
Meanwhile, back in our own corner of the universe, the village bus timetable is once again being reworked by what I can only assume is the same committee responsible for judging boxing matches. The 9:07 to Market Hill will now depart at 9:02 — but only on Tuesdays, except during school holidays when it will run at 8:59 unless it rains, in which case it won’t run at all. The 3:45 to Ashcombe will now skip the village entirely, taking the scenic route through Farmer Jenkins’s cow field, which I hear is lovely if you don’t mind mud on your shoes.
Now, I can’t help but feel there’s a connection here. Much like Fury seemed to be boxing in a parallel dimension where punches were registered on a five-second delay, our village buses appear to operate in a realm where time and logic are mere suggestions. Perhaps, as Usyk landed his decisive left hook, the cosmic order was knocked askew, sending both Fury’s hopes and our transport network into disarray.
Of course, there’s always the possibility that the bus company is simply as corrupt as boxing. I wouldn’t put it past them to hand out points decisions to whichever bus driver has the shiniest hubcaps.
In any case, I propose that we demand an immediate rematch, both for Fury’s dignity and for the chance to restore sanity to the 9:07. Until then, I shall stand at the bus stop shadowboxing the timetable in protest, much like Tyson Fury shadowboxed the concept of fair judging.
Yours, utterly perplexed,
Archibald “The Southpaw Timetabler” Plimpton
(Still waiting for the 3:45 to show up)